OKAY I need to explain what sparked this outrage. I only posted the post dated 30 December about who to spend NYE with...and I chose the guys because they got back to me first...and after that, I haven't been talking to her since… then on myspace I was talking to a person and mentioned this:
My holidays...too much alcamahol, too many new friends, and too much jealousy from old ones. But fun, work and what not, it's all cool with me, I'm not fussed...how has ur been?
and...
yes drinking is bad...but what isn't, even breathing is bad, too much pollution anyways...so I don't care anymore...and jealousy...well the aussie girls, coz I've been hanging round with my asian mates, yeah he is kinda of a loser, that's what dole bludgers are, NAH he's not that bad, losers don't get girlfriends, he's got one...I'm a loser HEHE
That's the only two comments I replied to this "other" and she obviously checked it out and posted that nasty blog for the whole world wide web to see...in what sorta person I am.
My direct response to her blog was:
DO you know how that makes me feel?....do you know how many times I have said sorry in this last few months?...do you know how I feel being stuck between two or three or four friendship groups?...do you know how many times I have cried because of this?...do you know how it makes me feel when you say I pretend to be someone I am not?...do you know how it feels to be called a traitor?...Last time I cried was a year ago, when I witnessed my first failure, failing my drivers test(P-plates) and any other failure didn't affect my emotional status one bit, failing uni subjects didn't even touched me, I thought I needed therapy for that, plus uni is more expensive, I should be worried and upset for that, but I wasn't...and now I think this is another HUGE FAILURE...my sister says my friendship has never experienced any flaws, and she is jealous of me, I hope this is one of those and it will pass
Yes I am afraid...yes I am scared of loosing friends... but I am only one person... yes I am sorry... yes I am aussie girl.... yes I am different(but who isn't?).... yes I am making new friends.... and yes I feel like a stupid, obnoxious BITCH at the moment.
No I am not throwing friendship away... no I am not a traitor....AND no I don't want it to end this way... no never
And she even posted a bulletin in myspace titled :
Somebody should know about this
you know who you are....
read my blog...
I mean now, all her myspace friends now perceived me as pure evil....our ex-classmates from highschool who own a myspace has perceived me as pure evil, and whoever else on her list has perceived me as pure evil....I am not her no.1 myspace friend no more, neither am I in many other top friends list.
Well this is the direct response I got after I replied to her blog, and has put me in a down mood ever since Saturday afternoon when she posted it...I thank all that has cared for me, I feel I should tell it as it is, so there is no guessing or whatever, and besides these I haven't talked to her since Christmas Eve.
But you do need to understand the way you are talking about this............
okay i made new friends with Allison and Kate........ (She goes to TAFE, she sees these people everyday, and talks about them all the time, uni doesn’t allow that sorta connection, that bond, that closeness.)
but you have met them.....get me??....... (I haven’t met Allison before, and Kate, only twice in the entire year…and she’s always Kate and Allison this, Allison and Kate that, she talks about these two as if they were our replacements(the ones who went to uni instead of TAFE)…has it ever occurred to her how does that make us feel?...pfft)
i didn't just run with them...remember Alice? (Who hung around coz she had nothing better, and lost contact at the end of schoolies…induced by alcohol, smoking and friends into that stuff)
i find it hard that...out of all these years these new people come along and your SO OPEN....they went to your house.......and stayed there and stuff......I've never even been invited to your house before......(.she was the first friend to come to my house, she was the one closest to my house, yes I had never had a party before or sleepover, because of our differences, our different cultures, it was the first time I actually had friends over at my place, but she chose to leave, I was simply being a kind host and giving those intoxicated with a place to stay, she prefers her own bed, her own house all the time, she made that decision.)
how the hell do u think taht makes me feel.....
and then ur saying to other people that i'm like a jealous aussie girl.......jealous of what??...i've never met your friends.....i don't care do what you want...( she has…I’ve never talked about my uni friends because I don’t really have any that are close, we see at uni and that’s it, they live too far away to have close contact, though whenever I do talk about them, it’s not the same, coz nobody knows who they are, so I don’t bother…and why I talk about these guys, because they ACTUALLY do know them.)
but don't be RUDEEE don't ignore me!!!....don't talk shit about me!!!!...........( I don’t know how to respond to the message because I am still very SCARED)
it's hard for me to explain....that 'jealous' is the wrong word.......no i don't want u to split between groups........thats simply not what i am talking about...just that ..........look i can't explain and you obviously have no idea what i am talking about but yes i am a dramatic person and no i don't want to hurt you like that, but can't u see.....how incredibley hurtful it is ....just cutting us off for stupid reasons........( she doesn’t know it HAS hurt me, she has continued her myspace experience posting funny images on other peoples and has ignored me.)
look i just give up
and don't talk about this sort of stuff to ur other 'friends' coz it's our stufff don't post ne rude bulletins sayin oh i can't pick..oh help me...coz again rude.....i don't want to be talked about like ...oh my old friends such drags they knew nothing about Chinese pop culture......infact which i am completely in love with and i think is awsum but oh that right you never bothered to ask...(.and now I have done wrong.)
But in posting this I have acknowledged what she has said...but I feel this is the best way of letting people understand the whole situation, keeping it all locked up make me think too much...I perceive friendship both old and new as friends, old as in people I've known for a long time, and new for those that I have just recently gotten well accustomed to. I'm not cutting people off, I try to be fair to all, and just hang out with the people I feel most comfortable with...I feel like I've lost a connection with them, and I seriously don't know whether she is talking on behalf of the whole group...and I AM VERY AFRAID that is the case, I AM AFRAID of asking, and I AM AFRAID of loosing it...if it is true.
I'm generally a happy person, and I hate seeing myself unhappy, people around me notice and aren't accustomed to my sadness at ALL. A friendship that has lasted 12 years is not something easy to loose and forget, but if the bond was that good, they would UNDERSTAND ME...which I feel she doesn't...or I have seriously CHANGED A HELL LOT SINCE THEN. I mean I change for good, for better, my anti-socialness I don't want anymore, and just wished for more friends, how can that be wrong...now isn't that jealousy then?...I don't know...but it's not like she doesn't know them, SHE DOES, she's met them, and went to school with them. And being OPEN?? Isn't that just what I'm trying to change about myself, I've never really had any guy friends at all, because they haven't really existed in my life....and asian friends for that matter, and hence my IDENTITY CRISIS of late.
It's not like this hasn't happened to me before, being kicked out from a friendship ring, being ignored and forgotten, but that was in Grade Two when I was a naive little kid, and also did nothing wrong...this somewhat feels like that time again, primary school...I hate you I don't want you in my group anymore....that's what it feels like, REJECTION. It is they who accepted me from then on, from where I use to play by myself on the monkey bars etc etc. to actually having long term friends…what happened?
And since then, I haven’t been acting my normal self…purposely avoiding the internet, avoiding conversation, avoiding people I know…yes I have logged on, but appearing offline, and scared to share a word…I come home from work, I turn on my computer as I normally do, sit infront of it and stared at it…something my sister noticed straight away after I read that message…me sitting infront of the computer and not touching it, is not normal in my sense…and besides that, I’ve been coming home and sleeping till dinner.
Those who see me online everyday gets a bit worried too…THANK YOU. It has taken me four days to have courage to log back on, but I still have no courage to talk to HER. I have been unintentionally hurting myself, I am not suicidal, I shall never be, I know people still care about me hence I will never purposely do anything to hurt myself. Though I have wanted to run that “piece of shit of a car” into a brick wall NYE when I had to make that decision….but that’s okay the car happens to be down this time, at the right moment, not for me to do that. I have been walking into doors, tripping over, getting cuts, hitting my head on things, in and out of work, all unintentionally, coz by the sounds of things, those people belong in mental asylums.
I have started going out on night walks by myself alone, just around the area, which sometimes is scary in my area because there are many more weird people than I e.g. man running with pants round ankles(so I didn’t go that way), and a pee stalker who pees in peoples gardens, and runs to another garden and continues his unfinished business…but I only started this habit yesterday night, I actually wanted to go bike-riding, but I couldn’t find my helmet, so I walked just to random places for a whole hour, I wanted to go to the park, but there were people there, so I tried to go to another park, but it was TOO close to where SHE lived and yet again there were people there…so instead I did a giant circle and went to my High School, which is about 10 minute walk from my place, and walked around the whole school, and observing the changes, the differences, and the memories that happened there…our favourite spots included the doorway entrance and around the toilets, and I sat there for a long while…thinking. And then about 10 o’clock I decided to walk back home, I was wearing completely black, so it might have been really weird, but I just wanted to go outside and breathe, coz I couldn’t really whilst eating dinner, and just wanted some fresh air.
Lately if I’m not occupied with work…I’ve been thinking too much…and as my sister would say…”you’ve got too much time on your hands”…but she normally says that when I’m doing something totally irrelevant, or bored. But I’m OKAY and please don’t take any blame in occupying my time…you were only being supportive.
Sorry and many thanks
Wendy
